


Stay

by Nightscrawl



Series: The Meaning of More [5]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 14:20:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14546577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightscrawl/pseuds/Nightscrawl
Summary: Some doubts linger.





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Continued thanks to [Schattenriss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schattenriss/pseuds/Schattenriss) for doing the beta.

Burning low, the dull glow of the dying fire was barely enough to illuminate Dorian as he moved about the room, retrieving pieces of his armor that had been discarded the previous evening. Stretching, face half-buried in a pillow, Judah opened one eye to look at the other man. “What’re you doing? It’s still dark outside.”

Mostly dressed now, Dorian started fastening various straps and buckles. “I was going to wake you. I didn’t want you to think— to wake up alone.”

Judah noticed the correction but ignored it. Even if he had woken up alone he would not have thought it of Dorian, especially given the previous night’s conversation. “And?”

“The castle will start stirring shortly, servants and such.” With a single boot in one hand, Dorian sat on the side of the bed opposite from Judah and peered about the room. “Kaffas,” he muttered, “where is… oh...” This new angle allowed him to see that the missing boot had found its way under the sofa and he rose to retrieve it.

Before he could straighten fully, Judah reached over, grabbed the leather strap across Dorian’s back and yanked hard, forcing him off his feet onto the bed, momentarily stunning him as Judah leaned over to say, “I’ve probably taken too many blows to the head. You’ll have to explain.”

Dorian looked at Judah dubiously, doubting the lack of understanding, rather suspecting that he wanted him to be more explicit. He sighed and gave in. “If I’m seen leaving people will know that we… that we’re…”

“A couple?”

It was not the word Dorian would have chosen. It sounded strange in his ears, something he had never heard in connection with himself and had never expected to hear. For a moment, he thought Judah was teasing him, but the look on his face told him that was not the case. “I’ve done this before, Judah.”

Thinking that Dorian sounded unsure, Judah saw where the trouble was. “Not with me,” he said, and paused to gauge Dorian’s reaction, but he was silent, waiting. “Last night you asked me what I wanted out of this. What did I say?”

“That you wanted ‘more than just fun,’ ” Dorian quoted.

Judah gave a single nod in confirmation. “Did you think I would change my mind overnight? I haven’t. I want you to stay. Staying is _part_ of ‘more.’ Walking down to breakfast together is ‘more.’ Letting people see us together is ‘more.’ ”

Dorian opened his mouth to speak, to protest that rumor and idle gossip didn’t need further ammunition, that he didn’t want their relationship—dare he call it that?—to be a source of scandal for a man he did not think was deserving of it, and that he most certainly didn’t want Judah to be manipulated again, with himself as the tool, as had happened with the Pavus birthright.

Judah held up a hand that prevented Dorian from speaking. “If you want to leave for your own peace of mind then I won’t stop you, but I don’t need you to for mine. This isn’t Tevinter, Dorian.”

Dorian was silent for several seconds. Judah was right, of course, but it was a difficult thing to go against years of patterned behavior, of pushing aside any expectation of… well, anything at all. To suddenly have the possibility open was completely foreign, and he’d had to leave his homeland to feel it. “No, it’s not,” he agreed.

As Dorian considered, Judah absently started to fiddle with one of the straps on his armor. “So, I’m asking: will you stay?”

“Yes.”

* * * * *

Dorian woke for the second time as dawn was breaking over the Frostback Mountains. He watched as the stained glass windows slowly came to life, casting sprays of color over the room and on each of them. As the light slowly shifted, he looked at Judah’s face, relaxed and peaceful in slumber, and considered the surrealism of his situation. Judah wanted him, and wanted to be wanted _by_ him. This wasn’t simply the morning after, like so many he’d experienced. This was the first of many mornings. Judah’s arm was a warm, comfortable weight around him. The world was ending and Dorian felt happier than he had in a very long time.

After having slept for another couple of hours, Judah awoke to find Dorian staring at him and smiled brightly at his friend, content to put their previous waking in the back of his mind and consider this their first true morning together.

They arose with few words, having said most of what was needed the night before and earlier that morning. In their place were looks, light touches, and a soft morning kiss. Taking turns, they used what was left of the water in the washbasin to make themselves as presentable as they were able. As Judah disliked daily shaving, he welcomed Dorian to do so in his stead, knowing the other man would not like to be seen with the shadow of a day’s growth of beard, a morning ritual he fastidiously maintained even while camping.

While they were dressing, a single drop of melancholy fell into the pool of Judah’s happiness, rippling the surface with undesired feeling. He didn’t want to leave, to be reminded of his position and the state of the world, and his role in it. Spending an entire day in his room was not reasonable, nor was it practical, but he felt it nonetheless. Judah released a small, wistful sigh as he laced up his boots and was grateful that Dorian didn’t remark on it.

With a gesture, he indicated that he wanted Dorian to walk ahead and they passed through the inner chamber door, walking across the mezzanine to approach the final door that would return them to the world. As Dorian made to reach for the handle, Judah grabbed the hand, pivoted him around and pressed their lips together.

Although unexpected, the kiss was not unwelcome and Dorian quickly recovered from his surprise, parting his lips and melting into it as Judah pulled him close with an arm around the waist. The clasping hand he moved to join Judah’s other, gently shaking it off, allowing him to wrap both of his own arms around the other man’s neck. They were the same height, and while this was normally inconsequential or even a benefit, he wanted better leverage and stood on his toes to deepen the kiss further. Dorian did so enjoy these long, deep kisses Judah liked to give; he seemed to pour his whole self into them, saying much about himself and his feelings without the hindrance of words.

After a time the intensity began to subside but they remained locked in embrace, continuing to impart light kisses in their reluctance to separate. Finally, Dorian pulled a bit away to look his lover in the face. “What was that for?”

“No particular reason… When we go out there, we’ll have to part. You’ll return to your books and chair, and I’ll return to my advisors and war room. I’d much rather stay here with you.”

The corners of Dorian’s mouth turned up in a small smile. “We can’t be together all the time; we’d grow sick of each other’s company.”

“We might. But I don’t think that would happen for a very long time.”

Dorian liked that Judah admitted the possibility, but also that his affection was so great that he didn’t easily allow for it. There was also a wonder at this new level of expression that Judah was using with him. Their second time had been sweeter, flavored by their new understanding of what existed between them and of what it could lead to. Afterward, his tone had been similarly altered, but Dorian thought it only a result of the intimacy and pleasure they had experienced.

Unsure of how to express his thought, or if he even should, Dorian hesitated as he said, “You seem… different.”

“In a good way, or a bad way?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

Judah knew exactly what Dorian meant; he felt it in himself. Dorian saw a new effulgence in his affection and wasn’t sure if he liked it or was going to be overwhelmed by it. “I’m not surprised that you noticed. You want to know the reason for the change? _This_ is what I wanted. For us. But… although I knew what _I_ wanted, and I had some idea of what you _might_ want, I wasn’t really sure, so I held back. It was important to me to know. The night that we almost… I said that it had to be for ‘the right reason.’ Last night you _had_ the right reason. You think I didn’t see it?”

Dorian puzzled over Judah’s words. Had he been that transparent? Was Judah really able to read him so well?

“After your amulet,” Judah continued, “when you said you cared what people thought about ‘us,’ all I could think about was that there _was_ an ‘us’ for you to care about. It was… wonderful, really.

“I didn’t want to just—” he interrupted himself as he decided to change course. “You’re my friend. I care about you and want you to be happy. But there’s also a sexual attraction that I’ve always had for you. It’s ironic that you should have used the word ‘fun’ last night, as neither of us wanted that, but I think if either of us felt differently it could have easily turned into that.”

And so it could. Dorian knew himself, and despite any disappointment he might have had in such an arrangement, if that was what Judah wanted then he would have gone along with it. It would have been fun, and felt good in the moment, but there would still be that extra missing piece.

“I’m glad it didn’t,” Judah said, “because for a long time I’ve felt that I wanted to be more than that to you. Now I know you want more, so I don’t have to hold back.”

Although the explanation was clear, and reasonable enough, Dorian found it difficult to comprehend. Judah had “always” felt a sexual attraction to him, but never acted on it, going as far as holding back his own need and desire. It was beyond his experience with other men, or with his own self.

Even with the suggestive use of “either of us,” he was beginning to know him well enough to think that Judah might be fooling himself. If that was all _he_ wanted, and Judah had given into his desire because of it, Dorian didn’t think the other man would have enjoyed it quite so much.

“If I haven’t scared you off with all of that, I ask that you indulge me for a few days until the newness of this wears off, while I float back down to earth and return to mostly-normal. Or… you could get used to it. Or maybe we might meet in the middle?”

A playful smile crept across Dorian’s face. “Oh, do I get to talk, now?”

Judah had a moment of embarrassment as he said, “I guess that was quite a monologue…”

Dorian laughed, touched Judah’s face and gave him a single, light kiss. “How about we aim for the middle?”

Looking at his friend’s face, Judah admired his soft, happy smile, and had a spark of it himself in considering that he contributed to it. “You’re different, too.”

“I am?”

“You’re… lighter, more relaxed. You were that unsure of what I wanted? Of what I would say? Some of the things I said… I rather thought I had been pretty clear.”

Dorian sighed. “It wasn’t you. Not really. It’s not that I was afraid you would say, ‘No,’ more like I didn’t expect you to say, ‘Yes.’ It wasn’t… pleasant to want something and yet expect to be disappointed, but I did,” he explained.

Thinking about it now, he wasn’t sure which would have hurt more: the realized expectation that sex was all there was and all he would ever have, or in Judah enabling him, however unknowingly, to fall back into an old habit of sexual escapism that he wanted to move away from. It _was_ “fun,” but fleeting and bitter, and each such encounter left him yearning for the next so he could cast aside some of his pain, and feel briefly that he was wanted in some way.

The shape of Dorian’s mustache accentuated a slight frown. Judah saw some of his repressed pain rising to the surface, regretted raising the issue, and attempted to drive it back down again. “But I didn’t disappoint you,” he said with a smile.

“No, you didn’t,” Dorian replied, and moved in to kiss him again, saying a very soft, “Thank you,” against his mouth before connecting.

After a brief moment of kissing, Judah’s stomach growled in protest at its emptiness and the kiss was broken as both men began to laugh. “Breakfast calls.”

“Loudly,” Dorian said with a grin. _This_ was going to be fun, a real, true, healthy fun that they would both enjoy, and possibly—perhaps probably—more.

 

 

End.


End file.
